Sunday, January 14, 2018

Just Beth

2018 is going to be a year of discovery for me. I need to get back in touch with the woman inside me, and listen to what she's telling me. For far too long, I've been listening to others tell me who I am, or who I should be.

I am quite uniquely qualified to know who I am and who I strive to be. And I alone know my boundaries and how much I'm willing to give myself to others before I rein it back in and take back my control.

I have labeled myself as a submissive for so long that I've nearly forgotten who I was before.

There is a part of me who loves to be in control, sexually speaking. And that's it, for the most part. Control. With control comes a bit of bondage, yes, because having a man tied up at my mercy is wicked and fun as hell.

Degradation? Humiliation? No. EVERY side of me hates that part of the BDSM world. I will even go so far as to say that almost anyone who gets off on being told they're worthless, or telling someone that they're worthless, has some abuse issues in their past, some serious self esteem issues in their present, and a whole lot of unhappiness in their future. It fucks with your psyche and that isn't healthy for anyone. And I'm 100% positive that someone who reads this is going to disagree with me about that. Maybe they're right.

But I doubt it.
I'm a pain slut. I get off on receiving painful stimuli from my neck down to my thighs. I know subspace is real because I've been there. I know it isn't for everyone, but holy hell, for me it's powerful and wonderful and addicting, just like morphine.

I don't get off on pain because I think I'm worthless and deserve it, and I think that's where a lot of people get confused. For me, pain isn't a punishment. It's a reward in every way. If a man is beating me black and blue while I'm cowering to get away and he's telling me it's all my fault? THAT is abuse. An experienced dom knows what the hell he is doing and has earned my complete trust when I give myself over in that way, and it is not abusive. It's not about telling me I'm worthless, a bitch, a whore, that I've asked for it, and everything is all my fault, etc. A man tries that shit with me and he quickly learns that I'm not a woman with low self esteem that will put up with it.
So... is a pain slut (a term I hate) a submissive? Because when I allow a man to take control of me in that way, believe me, it is all about me. The dominant should enjoy it, too, but he has to keep his head in the game in order to be able to read the "submissive" and her body and all the signs because she won't be able to stop.

He might have the control, but ultimately, it's about my pleasure.

When you break down the acronyms in BDSM, it's Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission and Sadism/Masochism. Of those six words, the ones that resonate with me are masochism, submission and bondage. It's a bit of a strange conundrum for me because the masochist in me doesn't want a sadist administering my pain. I don't want a guy who gets off on inflicting pain. I want a loving, caring man who understands that what he's doing is not about bringing me pain, but to bring me pleasure.
Bondage, to me, goes hand in hand with masochism because when those strikes start to land, the human instinct is to fight it or run from it - fight or flight. It's not about enslaving me... it's about keeping me from running out the damn door stark naked.

Submission is a difficult one for me. Most people who know me would laugh if you told them I'm submissive, because I'm fucking not. I can't be. I'm all I've got and have to take care of my own damn self. When it comes to things in my real life that I can influence, I will. I'm outspoken, decisive... some would say I'm bossy but I like Beyonce's words in relation to that, "I'm not bossy, I'm the boss." Boss of my own life, that is. If the bills don't get paid, the dishes don't get washed, the tires don't get rotated, the litter box doesn't get emptied, that's all on my head. I'm responsible for me and two furry little beasts, that's it.

And no one is responsible for me.
So weakness is not an option. Being a doormat is not an option.

And much like a lot of executives (I'm not one), it's a treat to be able to let go of the control and let someone else make decisions and take over for a while. And I've been finding, fulfilling, that need in Second Life - and will continue to. I dallied with expanding it into my real world but it was too... frightening... for me. And I couldn't find a dom that I truly trusted. Lots of fakes in the real world, too.

And, along with letting go of the control for a while, I truly love taking care of a man's needs in Second Life. Not being a sugar momma, but in sexual ways. As I get off on pain, I also get off on bringing someone else pure ecstasy. I'm in no way a sadist, but if a man I cared for needed the pain, I'd absolutely take that flogger in hand to give him what he needs.

To me, that is what being a submissive means - putting someone else's needs and desires above my own.

And I love being owned. I love wearing a collar and knowing that there is one man above all others who can bring me to my knees... who has the absolute right to. One strong, intelligent, confident alpha male who owns my being and uses that power wisely, not to chain me down but to let me soar, knowing that this little bossy bird will always have a place to land... a safe harbor, a strong hand, kindness and security.

This can be a terrible stumbling block... there aren't a lot of men in SL that want the submission during sex, but not any other time. And it's addictive when I find a man like that... I want to give it to him all the time, as if he could feasibly stay hard twenty-fours hours a day and orgasm every half hour. And it's really hard if/when that man has a harem because I'm always going to think I can take care of him better than they can and I want to be at his side all the time because I'm so proud to be his.
And that brings me around to the Domme side of Beth, and I do have one, but it's about taking control of the man, completely, to give myself pleasure. It isn't about humiliating him, or degrading him in any way. It's about using his body for my needs, and my needs only.

Let me show you what I mean... the following video is my idea of being a Domme. She is strong, in control, and takes what she wants. He doesn't (can't) move, doesn't speak... he's a nearly inanimate object for her pleasure. His tongue and his cock are hers.

Yeah, at the end I believe she lets him cum, though they don't really show it... and I rarely make it all the way to the end anyway... lol. See how she uses his cock? How she sits on his face? She's not humiliating him... she's just taking her pleasure and not caring about his.

That's female domination to me.

He's not a little wimpy femboy. This guy is... not beta. Don't ask me how I know that... I just do. I'm only attracted to alpha males and I think it takes an incredibly strong man to let himself be used the way she does in this video. How she doesn't sink down on him, though, and ride him I'll never understand. That is one gorgeous cock and I'd have to have it buried inside me.

Anyhoo, that's why I'm shying away from labels this year... and hopefully forever. None of them are a proper fit for me so I'll just be who I am... Just Beth.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Phoenix Rising

Well, here we go... time to relaunch my baby, my blog.

2017 was a year of abject pain for me, misery like I've never felt before.

2018 will be a year of reinvention.
I've been told that in the past, my blog has been too negative. To me, it's been raw and real, sometimes good, sometimes bad. 2017 was bad for me. Perhaps many of my posts had a negative bent to them, but... I had a lot of negative emotions roiling inside me.

My father died. My last parent. It devastated me beyond the telling of it. I know some people can't understand the depth of that kind of pain. I know some people don't have the same strong, loving relationship with their parents that I did, and I know some people haven't gone through what it feels like to lose a parent, much less both of them. It god damned near put me in the grave right along with them. I won't apologize or feel bad for the grief I felt, still feel, and the way I've dealt with my grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I did it, am still doing it, my way.
Life isn't always pretty.

I won't change the way I write this blog going into 2018. It's who I am and that is what this blog has always been. It is mine.

And no one is forced to read it.

Moving forward, I'm going to try to stop labeling myself so much... submissive, dominant, alpha, slave, whatever. I'm just me, and I'm pretty fucking awesome at being me. I've been being me for a very long time.
At times, I may be any of those things, and a billion more as well. And I have the right to every one of those nouns and adjectives. I'm following my happiness and if I start down a path that seems to be bringing me down, I will change it.

And there will be hurt involved.

It can't all be sunshine and rainbows and puppies and ladybugs and unicorns farting glitter.

I may be a Pollyanna, but I'm a realistic Pollyanna.

And I am not a Second Life Barbie Doll. I am a real woman with real emotions... sometimes joy, sometimes fury.
No one ever asks men to stop being so negative, do they? Who walks up to a man sitting on a bus and says "Smile! You look so pretty when you smile!"

So, you know, fuck a bunch of that bullshit.

Sometimes I don't want to smile. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream.

And sometimes I fucking will if that's what I feel like doing.
I'm starting off 2018 by not getting what I want. I was tasked to change myself into someone I'm not... and I can't do it. Nor do I want to do it. Super-submissive beta slave girl.

It kinda makes me giggle to think I could ever be that. And who really calls themselves alpha or beta anything?

"Hi there! So nice to meet you! Just in case you were wondering, I'm an alpha. Here's my card. And you?"
It hurts that I'm letting something go that I love. But I was not loved in return, at least not for who I really am.

The positive in that is that I am strong enough to stand up for myself and be the kick-ass woman I am.

The negative is the hurt. And I'll be god damned if I'll pretend I'm not hurting and angry for the sake of making my blog sound like it was written by Little Mary Sunshine. This is my journal and my outlet.

When I love, I love deeply. And I often fall for men who want the Barbie Doll without the human operating her.
And I try... I do. I try so hard to be the Barbie. It'll go well for a little while and I will be... "perfect".

But I'm not perfect. No one is. Eventually my real self bleeds through, the one who stands up for herself and argues and refuses to be a fucking doormat.

Which woman would you want? I don't want a Ken Doll so why do so many men want the Barbie? Is it really that hard to deal with a real woman? I don't really think I'm all that high maintenance... I don't demand things, other than, you know, respect. And perhaps to come first, and I don't think that's a lot to ask of a person who says they love you.

Not first in RL, of course. First in SL.

When you want a man to love you for who you are, and he can't or won't, it fucking hurts. It sucks and there are no two ways about it.

But... having said all that, it also makes me feel strong. Stronger. I'm resilient. I can withstand the pain and not let it kill me. Because I am that strong woman with her own opinions, and intelligence, and humor, and independence. I'm a fucking goddess.
So, anyway, I'm disappointed. Disappointment is part of life.

So is healing.

2017 was pain... 2018 will be the healing. It's part of the circle of life. And it can be beautiful... cathartic and reinvigorating. There will be ups and downs, and as I have for the past five years, I will journal my journey here.

I may not be starting 2018 exactly where I thought I would be, but I'm starting it with my back straight and my head held high.

Love me or hate me... or even feel ambivalent towards me.

This is Beth, and she is fucking incredible when she spreads her wings and gives herself permission to be all the wonderful and complex things she is.
Welcome back, me.

And Happy New Year to you, my wonderful friends and readers. <3

Monday, December 25, 2017

Santa Baby

Note: Look for this blog to relaunch after the new year... It's the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. A fresh start, new adventures, and many new possibilities!

Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me.
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, a 54 convertible too,
Light blue.
I'll wait up for you dear,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I've missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you'll check off my Christmas list.
Santa baby, I wanna yacht,
And really that's not a lot,
Been an angel all year,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, one little thing I really need,
The deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks.
Sign your 'X' on the line,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don't mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

*record scratch*

Yes, I have to revisit this one last (hopefully) time.

There are times when I post something on this blog and people misconstrue the meaning of what I'm saying. I stress often that this blog is basically my journal and I use it to suss through all the mess in my brain to figure out what it really is I'm thinking or trying to say or to puzzle through a decision or situation that is troubling me.

And sometimes it's also about something or someone making me ridiculously happy.

It always makes me feel great when someone reaches out to me to say they got something out of one of my posts. It means I'm not alone, and I believe helps show others that their troubles and emotions and joys are shared with others.

It seems, though, there may have been some confusion regarding the message of my last two posts, though I'm not sure how.

At least one person has taken it to mean I think it's okay to lie.

Let me make this exceedingly clear.

It is not okay to lie to anyone in Second Life, or real life, about your gender or sexual orientation in order to fuck with other people.

Do I need to repeat that?

It is not okay to lie to anyone in Second Life, or real life, about your gender or sexual orientation in order to fuck with other people.

I received an offline message today from one of my Flickr followers who also reads this blog. Since I was at work during all this, our conversation was fairly slow in happening, and this person is French so some of it required a bit of deciphering.

This person has a stunning female avatar. I mean, seriously, fucking gorgeous. If I'd met this person out in a club, I would have been attracted.

But the first message I got was something along the lines of "You know in real life I am a male so I understand completely what you're saying."

Okay, great! I assumed this was biological man who is either transgendered, transsexual, or simply a  cross dresser and I thought it was wonderful that she was confiding in me and was comfortable doing so. I started asking her questions...

And he admitted that he is a straight male who views SL as a game. He is essentially playing a woman for the sole purpose of fucking with people.

I am absolutely dying to call this person out by name, but it's not my place to out anyone, even if it's outing him for being a complete douche canoe. 

As we exchanged messages, I wanted to make sure that he didn't have something on his profile indicating his true gender and orientation. Nope. I found this instead, on his real life tab, "- i am a french woman".

He models as a woman, he has a family as a woman (one of those goofy SL families with a mother and bunch of sisters... maybe they're all men fucking with people. I don't know.)

He belongs to many of the same adult clubs that I do. He fucks men and women, it seems from his Flickr stream, and he doesn't tell any of them he is a straight man fucking with them for his own amusement. I asked him flat-out if he tells people he's a man and his answer was no.

He said that if people find out and get mad, he just blocks them.

And that's when I got angry. Well, it had been building, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding anything he was saying.

I asked him why. I asked him what he gets out of it. I asked him if he had any empathy for the people he was screwing with.

No, he doesn't. Isn't that scary? And he thought I would be an understanding person and give him a pat on the back for all his deceit?

No. Fuck no.

I told him about the incident that made me leave SL for over a year when I found out a "man" I had feelings for was actually a woman just role-playing. My trust was destroyed. I tried to make him understand how it made me feel to that find out. How much it hurt.

I tried to explain that the people behind the avatars are real people, with real feelings and real emotions and that it's not just a game for a lot of people.

He's not new at this, people. His avatar is over 7 years old. He's been pulling this shit on people for more than 7 years! And he thinks it's funny! He tried to feed me this bullshit about how he likes to be able to see things from a female perspective. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. He'd already told me that SL was just a game to him.

This would be very different if he was a man who felt he was born into the wrong gendered body, but he isn't.

He's just an asshole.

So, ladies and gentlemen, when you're trying to pick up that stunning French brunette at Teqi's or Mysterium's, or the Chamber, or at Frank's Place, or at Elysium, with a profile full of her sisters, her availability for modeling (for free!) and no voice, no cam, no Skype and no pictures, beware.

Maybe you care, maybe you don't. I know there are some who don't give a shit about the gender of the person behind the avatar. Again, this would be different if he were exploring a side of his sexuality or his gender, but he isn't. This isn't about his true orientation or gender... it's about his lying. He's just trolling for shits and giggles and doesn't give a good god damn about anyone he might hurt.
This bothers me. This makes me fucking furious. I have a big fucking issue with being lied to, and I despise people who lie so easily, without care, and without... Jesus, without any humanity

And the reason this entire mess with my ex-lover has me so devastated is because he is putting me in the same category of liar as this piece of shit. And I don't want to be in the same category as this piece of shit.

Again, I don't think I lied. Sexual orientation is fluid. It changes. Our needs and desires and passions change. At different points in my life I have considered myself 100% straight, 100% bisexual, and more than once I've wished I could just be 100% gay because men can be a pain in the ass.

If I had to put a percentage on it today, I would say it's 90/10. Last week when I was hoping to be in a love affair with my guy and another woman, it was probably around 60/40. I desperately wanted to find a gorgeous woman that I clicked with, emotionally and sexually, to bring into this relationship. I had intense sexual fantasies about the three of us. I so fucking badly wanted it and it kills me to be called a liar.

I need all this fucking drama out of my Second Life. I want to go back in time a week or so and never have that damn conversation about orientation and for none of this to have ever started. Back when we were having fun... so much damn fun... and nothing was so serious.

I understand why he cut me off... if I was, in fact, a liar, because believe me, the jackass I talked with today has now been blocked seven ways from Sunday. I don't want to see him, speak to him, acknowledge him or know he exists.

So I absolutely get the anger of my guy, my ex guy, if I had lied. I'd cut me off, too.

And the part of all this that is absolutely killing me is that I have absolutely no way of proving to him that I didn't lie. It's not like sending him a photo to prove my gender or something concrete that you can see. I don't have a membership card for "Bisexuals R Us". Photos of me with women in SL? Yes, I have those but as anyone knows, scenes can be faked.

I can't prove to him that I'm not lying, and he won't take my word for it because I love cock too much.

It would be funny if it wasn't so heart-breaking.

And just once more, because it clearly needs to be said again.

It is not okay to lie to anyone in Second Life, or real life, about your gender or sexual orientation in order to fuck with other people.

The Edit

This should be on my last post, but I've decided it needs its own.
I need to edit the part that said I'd been dumped because it seems I hadn't been dumped. My bad. We were simply on a break.

Yes, a break. And if you can't hear that without thinking of this... are not alone.

Of course, now it's not just a break. I have, indubitably, been dumped.

You see, I committed THE cardinal sin. I sent him a very long, very detailed notecard. It actually started out as a blog post, but I didn't feel it was fair to publish all our dirty laundry... mainly, his dirty laundry because I did that thing women do where they unleash all the fury built up inside them and pick at every little thing.
He didn't like that. Not one single bit. And he finds difficult conversations distasteful and stressful so instead of having a conversation with me, I got the "fuck you" message.

Specifically, he said, "good luck beth - leave methe fuck alone - u certainly dont know me - and go blog about shit tha is not true - i told u take a break and instead u write bullshit - anyway have a good life because half the shit u wrote is not true - u fucking liar!"

Followed by, "mute."

And he did.
So, that's that. I don't think I've ever been muted by a man. It's a bit... well... okay, a variety of emotions. Anger, absolutely. I'm a person who likes to fucking hash things out instead of running away so it annoys me to be completely just cut off like that.

I'm also baffled because he didn't seem like the type of man to... tuck tail and run. I thought more of him than that.

And, yes, I'm questioning myself, which I hate. That's what happened last year when I was very briefly partnered to the true narcissist. And I don't think this guy is TRUE narcissist. I just think he's... arrogant.
But having said that, he did that thing that narcissists do, and twisted my words, and turned everything around to lay blame all on me.

Or that's how it seems, anyway, since I CAN'T TALK TO HIM. I'm shouting that because I know he won't be able to resist reading this, not because I'm unhinged about all this mess.

But, yeah, it's left me shook. Am I the problem? If I am, it wasn't intentional. I still think I didn't lie to him and that sexuality isn't as simple as preferring the same sex, the opposite sex, or both genders 50/50.
I don't think I'm crazy, either. I think I'm doing pretty damn good at being a strong, independent woman who has her shit together. 2017 was a fucking rough year for me, losing Dad. Do I take my happy medicine? Yep. Depression is a disease and nothing to be ashamed of, and I've been in control of it since I had that terrible spell recently, but that's was before I met him.

Anyway, I think being muted makes it official, right? I've been dumped, unceremoniously, right on my ass.

I lost him.

But... he lost me, as well.

And I'm pretty fucking awesome.
Daddy really didn't like it when kitty told him he needed to be Dommed...

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